My Life In A Blender

Out of Body Experience

2009-09-19T13:51:00.000-07:00

As you can tell, I have not forced myself to blog in quite awhile. I say forced because I have had to force myself to do lots of things lately. In recent years I have never taken time to slow down and seriously think about the many things that to some are so minute, but if you think about them truly are important. My teeny tiny babies turned 12 a few weeks ago, and it was the 1st time ever we did not have a BIG blowout! I think it bothered me more than them. First of all we couldn't afford it, and 2nd of all they didn't want it. I am amazed at the individuals they have become. Yes, I say individuals because they want their own independence these days. They are sisters not TWINS these days. I feel so truly blessed and at times overjoyed at the fact I gave birth to these two beauties. As many say, they don't look like me but oh they do have my actions. Realizing this has been a rude awakening. I hated age 12-14. It was a hard time for me with going to what was Junior High then and making lots of new friends. I loved that part, but my Daddy also remarried and I gained 2 new sisters and a step-monster. I was in limbo constantly. My poor Mother. I hated her, my brother, and my sister. Hell, the whole world. I still have such grief over my parents divorce. I did a good job of pleasing everyone and ending up with several lifelong friends. With this in mind, I am constantly trying to be a good Mother and never before have I had to be "The bad parent." Well, lately I win all hands down. It is my way or else! I have realized so many things about myself and the fact that I do matter. I have been dealing with Diabetes and all that comes with it since I became pregnant and it has been a bumpy road but I have prevailed! I am taking time to enjoy things I have taken for granted, and have removed the things that I refuse to deal with. Selfish maybe, but I know what I must do to raise these girls. Positive people create a positive environment. Kudos to my Mother who raised us on a church secretary salary of $120.00 a week. She did a great job! I realize more and more everyday I can never thank her enough! My sister is now my best friend, and my brother is the Best man I know. Without them I would not be me. So, I close in saying I have been going thru an out of body experience, but I am enjoying it. I want to be the Best I can at all I can do whether it be the best daughter, mother, friend, wife or just someone you will never forget!

WHY?

2009-06-08T22:24:00.001-07:00

The question is why? Why is anything the way it is? I am and have been so terribly overwhelmed by so many things lately and the harder I try the worse it gets. I am very hurt becasue of friends who I give my all to and the are only around when it benefits them. The people I thought cared really are only concerned with themselves and that is again one reason we have our own families and own sets of problems. It just hurts because I have never felt so alone as I have lately. I am planning on having reconstructive foot surgery in the near future. One foot at a time. Joint replacement in my 1st two toes in each foot and tendons will be taken from my legs and placed in my feet. The down time for each foot will be around 12 weeks. Just when I thought I had this figured out I have learned Sloan may need her hip plate replaced. This is devastating. Her right knee is growing outward and may also need surgery. As a parent that has seen this child go thru 4 surgeries already, it rips at my heart. I can't even comprehend it at this time. Where will my stregnth come from? WHY? She has so much to overcome each and everyday that I cannot begin to phathom all of this and she is consoleing me thru it. She is an amazing child and I have been given so much by being her mother. She has had more and more temper tanrums lately that have brought on the seizures. YUCK! Not fun at all. I just pray the good Lord will continue to carry me thru for whatever reason and I will struggle thru the days ahead.

February Ends

2009-02-26T23:48:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe February is coming to an end so soon! Life has been so very hectic lately.
*My job is great! I love it. However carrying a phone with you from 5pm to 7am is a bit tricky. I have a lanyard on it, this can be a problem in the bathtub...The girls are still trying to figure it out. Myron has been great about keeping them quiet when the phone rings etc...The paychecks have been oh so nice. I have this weekend off and I am glad.
*Spring Break is coming up March 16 thru March 20th. We are traveling to New Kent, VA to see my dearest friend Jackie O'. It is going to be ruff. Just the girls and I. 667 miles from my house to hers. We are going to stop in Bristol for a night then travel on to her house. The girls are ecstatic! We plan on going to Bush Gardens and possibly Gettysburg. It is going to be fun for all.
*I am very concerned for the girls at school. I have had 11 meetings this year with the M-Team for Sloan. I do not feel academically she has grown. I do not feel this is the place for her. I feel I have voiced my opinion so much and it doesn't help. Her aide is useless, and Sloan is not progressing. Shayla bless her heart is mad at the world! Everyone is stupid or ignorant. She has such a bad attitude. I have put her in counseling to try and figure it all out. I have subbed at their school at least 15 times this year and know what it is like there and just can't stand it any longer. As a parent I have to do all that I can to find a remedy. It may be moving back to Greenbrier, so they can rejoin their friends and go to Greenbier Middle. I am praying for GOD to give me guidance on this matter.
*My sister in law is staying with us. It was supposed to be a week, it has now been four. This is a problem. She is 50 and acts 16! She constantly fights with the girls. Lies you name it. I am also praying about this. As you all may remember, she lived with us before for 18 months with no rent..and lots of drama.
*We are looking for a church to attend. Being a multi-racial family this can be difficult. We are going to try Calvary Baptist and Springfield Baptist. Shayla visited Calvary and really liked it. Rachel and her family are going to Springfield and love it. We tried South Haven but Myron felt it was too large. We really need this in our lives.
*Myron's grandmother Momie who is 90 has had pneumonia is not doing well she has had an infection in her tracea and is no longer able to eat, she had a feeding tube placed. She has ripped it out 3 times. She now has M.R.S.A. and they have now called in Hospice. His mother Granny who is 77 has just had double knee replacement went to rehab today and is doing great. My Dad (Poppy) is doing liquid chemo on some sun spots and skin cancer, he is having a terrible time. It looks like his face is going to burn off. So we are praying for the best with all of them.
*My sister is hopefully going to get a date for the divorce soon. It has been 5 months now, and I do not know how much longer she take it. She is doing better each day. My Dad has helped her with the house, and getting it ready too be sold. I feel once she gets away from there and all the memories she will be much better. Chance is still taking it pretty hard. He has not seen his Dad since 2 weeks before Thanksgiving. We still don't understand E.R. but are praying for him at the same time. I pray GOD will find him and show him the way.
I think this is all the updates for now. I hope all is well with everyone.

OVERWHELMED...TO SAY THE LEAST!

2009-01-26T20:18:00.000-08:00

Some of you know and some don't I applied for a job a few weeks ago. I have been on pins and needles waiting to hear something. I finally get the call last Friday night at 7pm. I have never applied for a job I didn't get. I was soooo happy! So here goes..........I will be an On Call Staffer for a companion company. They have over 200 employees with 2 offices. I will take all after hour calls for the company. Hopefully they will be things I can handle or refer them to call back when the office in open. I am so excited about his. For one to use the brain God gave me, two to have adult contact, three to be motivated, and four to have some money!!! I have prayed for this and waited for an opportunity to come along, and my prayers have been answered. Thank you God. I am scheduled to start on Tuesday and train for 2 weeks before I start working from home. So now the good part...Myron calls me on Saturday while working and says he wants to talk to me when he gets home. So I wait up until almost midnight. Here's the bombshell...My sister in law (the one who lived with us for 18 months rent free) is moving to Atlanta and needs to stay with us a week. Okay!!! So I am trying to stew over this. Sunday I have to take Mom to the Emergency Room..she has severe Diverticulitis in her intestines and colon. She was in major pain. Got her antibiotics and phenegran took her home, fed her, came back home. Myron had left to go move his sister??? What?? So I call him, yeah she has to be out of her apt today. I get upset and hang the phone up! Ten minutes later she calls, " Hey sis I am on the way there do you need anything before I come home?" Home, this is not her home. So to say the least I am overwhelmed! Please everyone pray for me! This week will turn in to 2 or 3. Our Anniversary is on Wednesday 13 years. 15 years together. I wanted a nice weekend together..but hopefully he will be moving her to Atlanta. Please understand I love all my family, but when you have had a household of 7, it is nice to only have 4.

Thankfullness!

2009-01-18T08:15:00.000-08:00

I have not blogged as much as I would like to lately, I just can't find the time. I worked several days last week. One day in particular stood out and I wanted to write about it. It made me realize GOD is so good! I worked in the Special Education room at Sloan & Shayla's school on Thursday. It was such an emotional day. I feel I am very fortunate in the fact that cognitively Sloan is very bright. I feel we broke the odds against us when she began to talk. I was told by several physicians she never would. She began to sign at about 13 months, an we all did very well. I would have been okay with that, but she always strived for more. She began to speak at around 26-27 months old. We were so happy, and she has never stopped talking! There was a student I fell in love with. Without breaking HIPPA violations or confidentiality, she has C.P. and M.R. not sure of all of her conditions. I was so attracted to her. Unlike Sloan, she can walk. Her talking is very limited. There are several words you cannot use with her because they upset her. Of course, I would be the one to tell her "no", and boy did I pay for it. She was very upset. She went into a horrible fit. She did this 4 times in one day. She cried, tried to hurt herself and others. I had to go the restroom and cry. I felt so helpless. I looked to GOD for strength and guidance. I made it thru the rest of the day fine. I worked with several boys and had a good time. By the end of the day I was exhausted. Before, I left the little girl came up to me and told me Thank You and I Love you! WOW!! They said she has never done that before. They did not even know she knew the words. I am so glad for the opportunity to work with these kids. So often, I see the other kids and teachers who won't even give them the time of day. It furiates me. They are somebody's child. GODS child. Before, I was a parent of a Special Needs child, I never knew of any children with special needs. It is eye-opening. You learn so much from them. I am so thankful for my children. I am thankful Sloan has a voice. She keeps us smiling all the time, and you never know what she will say next. This morning it was,"Mama you are so beautiful. Why can't my hair be like yours?" I told her we would buy some bleach and do her hair blonde. She said,"Mom mixed girls don't have blonde hair!" I laughed and laughed. Then she said "But I am half white!" HA! HA! Never a dull moment in the multi-race family!

Happy New Year!

2009-01-03T05:06:00.000-08:00

For starters we had a great Christmas! It was different just the 4 of us in the house on a major holiday, and I suppose I'll get used to it. I just love being surrounded by family. I never thought I would miss Mom not being with us as much as I truly do. Shelby is who I miss most. I just feel the need to be in her life. I want to nurture her and Mother her like I have for the past 10 years. Phone calls, emails, and texts just aren't the same. This I guess I will get used to as well. 2008 was a very hard year, I guess that is why I am so excited about 2009. I of course want to make drastic changes in all areas of my life, but who doesn't? I am not making resolutions that I won't keep, been there done that. I just want to set goals and meet them. I want to do things right, which is what I have always wanted it just seems I get bogged down by one thing or another. Before school let out for break, Sloan's Resource Teacher and I agreed to let her stay in her classroom the majority of the day and focus on the things she really needs..Reading/Language Arts etc. She goes to Special Ed. Math and I hope this plan is going to work. We have to keep trying until we get it right. I am so fortunate that her teacher is willing to do this. I am so thankful to know she cares so much. Shayla is still not excited about school in general, or much else these days. She is however becoming a fabulous reader. She has read all of the Twilight Series and four other books in the last month. This excites me. I have enjoyed them being home and will be happy for them to go back to school. We all do better on a routine. Consistency is the key. I have realized lately that I am so lucky to have the things I have and I know I take things for granted. I want to be more inspired and positive. It is hard, never easy for no one. I think sometimes I get caught up in the fact that I have diabetes, neuropathy, a broke foot again, Sloan has C.P., I constantly have to have someone in my home to care for her because I can't. It sucks, but it is my life. I am going to deal with it better. I Thank God everyday for my family they hinder, but they do help, my friends..always listen to me even when there are no words to say.
I wish for everyone a wonderful New Year and peace in their heart!

Hustle & Bustle

2008-12-07T13:45:00.000-08:00

For starters we have all been sick. Of course the diabetic got sick first and kept it the longest! So many things have went on lately, I don't know where to begin. We travelled to N.C. the weekend before Thanksgiving to surprise my in-laws. They were ecstatic. The girls had a wonderful time and so did Myron and I. It is so pleasant to get away. Our trip was short due to Myron's work schedule. We then went to Sha's for our family Thanksgiving. It was so nice. I cooked for 2 days and loved it. I love my nephews. I wish I could spend more time with them. They are growing up so fast. On Wednesday of last week Sloan had her 6 month check up with the Neurologist. All was well. He wants to increase her seizure meds, however I do not feel the need at this time. On Thursday, I had her follow-up from her I.E.P. that was to assure me all things were in order and of course they were not. I spent another 4 hours going over all the same things as the last meeting. The good thing was the Vision Assessment results and boy, did I learn so much. She explained the depth perception and peripheral fields that Sloan can actually see. It was amazing.
It all makes so much more sense. I think this really helped more than anything. The teachers can now understand how and why she runs over their toes etc...Her wheelchair is going in for repairs on Tuesday and we are so glad. This chair as I have said costs $23,000. It is getting over $6,000 in repairs. It is less than 2 years old. Need I say more? It is very different around our house this year for Christmas. For the last 6 years we have put up 6 trees and tons of decorations. No Mom downstairs, or Bubba and Shelby. I miss them. So we have 1 tree in the living room and 1 in the kitchen. The girls opted not to put theirs up. I have such a hard time with change. We are just so different as a family the 4 of us. It is wonderful! I just love being surrounded by people. This week I am working at the girls school 4 days. Yahoo!

Ball of Emotions!

2008-11-08T20:08:00.000-08:00

This has been an OK week. Other than the fall on Monday, it has all fallen into place. I have been so emotional. I guess being cooped up in the house and unable to move around freely can do that to you. I stated in my last post that a few of my friends had lost loved ones lately and that has really hit me hard. I think the worst of all was when my little sister said "he is not dead, but he is gone!" I hurt so badly for her. Like I stated before going thru a divorce is horrible. Been there, done that! It sucks. I think the repercusions of it all is that it forces me to remember those days. The worst of all is remembering my Daddy walk out on us 3 kids. It did feel like he died. I try to be a strong person, especially for my kids but lately I have a harder time. I pray for my friends, and my family. I pray GOD will see us all thru.

Brittle Bones!

2008-11-06T12:26:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't know yet...yes I broke my tailbone again! It's either diabetes or these brittle bones. I fell getting Sloan in the house using the lift..long story..Anywho..Sloan's I.E.P. went great last week. Lots of things were addressed and some changes for the better were made. She is getting a Laptop from the Vision department to use in class. I think we are all on the same page now! I am truly overwhelmed at the teacher involvement and eagerness to help. Sloan and Shayla both need glasses now. Shayla has a mild case of nearsightedness, Sloan on the other hand is legally blind we know. We had a great weekend and good week considering all! I have spent alot of time with Sha and she is steadily progressing. I am trying to help her as much as possible. Chance did not come home over the weekend so it was hard not seeing him. I have several friends that have lost a loved one in the past few weeks, and I really have realized near or far how much I truly love my friends! Thanks for always being there!

Can we say...versatile????

2008-10-31T18:33:00.000-07:00

It has been a great week. I again spent last Saturday night with Sha and Chance. We had a blast! He makes me so very happy. Sha had been cleaning out the bookcases and shelves in the great room and she was ohh so sad! We were trying everything to cheer her up! Chance and I watched the TN/AL game together. He built us a fire and we all slept in the great room. Or should I say they slept. I read, took 2 baths and watched TV all night. I am still having severe back pain. I cleaned alot on my house the first of the week. The girls were sick on Mon. and Tues. I spent 4.5 hours @ SMS on Sloans I.E.P. on Tuesday. We have a really good plan in place now and I am very happy. I feel after much hard work and effort on my part, we are all on the same page now.
I worked @ Coopertown Elementary on Thursday with Kindergartner's and it was wonderful! I had a very nice day. Today I worked @ the girls school and loved it! I only had one block class that was a little rowdy. One of the teacher's I worked with, Sha used to keep her kids @ PVES, and Tad coaches her son in basketball. I forget what a small world it is sometimes. Myron has spent so much time with us this week and it has made all the difference in the world. We went to a Chili Supper at SMS last night and tonight we are going to see HSM3. Yahoo! Thank You God for all things big and small, and versatility!

Sisterly Love!

2008-10-20T22:47:00.000-07:00

Saturday Night I had the pleasure of spending the night with my little sister. We had a blast! We ordered out from Ruby Tuesday's. Yummy! I have not eaten out in awhile, so I loved it! The chocolate tall cake was the best! We watched a movie, and just enjoyed being with each other. Chance was there and I spent good quality time with him. He is struggling with Life in general right now. I am praying for God to touch his heart and give him strength and guidance. He is such an intelligent young man, I just feel he is lost in all of the chaos of the present situation. On Sunday morning we watched a church service that I watch a lot and the theme was "Those Left Behind." It could be a widow/widower, a wife/husband of divorce, parents of a child that died, and the last one he mentioned was a handicapped child who could not do what all the other kids were doing. This touched me so deeply. All of these thoughts began to overcome my brain. Sloan is experiencing this at the present time. She really wants to cheer. There's no way for me to get her there. She never gets to go to grocery with me. Just the simple things we take for granted day in and day out she would love to experience. I feel so helpless sometimes. On the other hand I look at all I am able to do and have done in the past. I will eventually get a handicap accessible van and we can do more things. That sermon ended with feel blessed with what you have. My child is alive and capable of doing things I thought she would never accomplish. I am blessed because every time I look at both of my girls I see two beautiful smiles.

Glamourocity Fashion Show

2008-10-16T21:09:00.001-07:00

Tonight I was treated to the best fashion show ever! My 3 girls set it all up. Sloan and Shayla were the Models and Shelby was the Designer. It started @ 5:30pm. It ended @ 11:00pm. I love when they do this. When they were younger the had a singing group named Melodee! They sang for hours on end. I have enjoyed my week with them. I really am not so upset we did not get to go for a mini vacation like planned, but we have had fun! Jackie O' bought a new house so she could not come to visit. At first I was sad, but I am so excited for her Clay, and Charlie. I cannot wait to go visit.
I have struggled with my emotions this week. I have been sick watching my little sister hurt, and go thru such agony of filing for divorce. I have helped her a lot and she is going to be fine, she just needs time. After 21 years, it is devastating....no matter the cause.
Myron bless his heart has worked so hard this last week I am tired for him. The girls greet him as if they never see him. (sad, but they don't) I am thankful for him and the fact he gets up and goes to work everyday. We are focusing on a lot of things and trying to enhance a better relationship. It is so hard sometimes.
I have to work 2 days next week so far and Sloan has an I.E.P. on Thursday. Yay for me! I have spent numerous hours on phone calls and emails. This is really a big deal. I don't look forward to it. I wish I felt better about it. I feel as if it is me against the world. I could go on and on about it. I have made my Christmas list and actually have several presents already. We are going to try and go to North Carolina during the holidays. We haven't been at Christmas time in years. It is always fun, the girls get so overwhelmed by the family they never get to see. I plan on cooking Thanksgiving here, and go to Tad & Kara's for Christmas. That is going to be different. For the last 20 years we went to Sha's house.
I feel like my life has drastically changed in the last 6-7 months and the older I get the worse I am. I do not like change. New house, new schools etc.. I am trying to adjust but it has really been difficult. As things go I must prevail. I pray for GOD to give me strength and guidance to do His will.

An Advocate I Am!

2008-10-04T23:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, I have been really stressed lately at the fact everyone seems to think they can run my child''s life. First it was the O.T. telling her she couldn't wear Flip Flops to school. She is a normal 11 year old and she CAN and WILL wear Flip Flops. It only took 1 phone call to straighten that one out. Why is she concerned about my child wearing them??? She also was overly concerned about Sloan running into things....Hello, she is legally blind! Next it is the P.T. telling her she can't bring her wheelchair back to school because it is broken! She then leaves me a not so nice voicemail. Okay, the chair is a piece of SHIT! You all know that. $23,000 for a piece of junk! It has been all along. Do they want to pay the $210 balance for services we owe and another $75 for them to come out again? Long story short..Myron worked on it for 3 hours. It is working fine. She took it to school the next day and will drive it everyday. Does anyone understand?? Do they walk in my shoes? Hell no! Don't talk to my child, talk to me! She has been so upset lately over everyone telling her what to do. She really takes things personal. I struggle with trying not to be so defensive, but leave her alone. She had a seizure Thursday night and I truly believe it was because she has been so upset.
The other Drama! My sister has filed for divorce. It has been a long time coming. It is heart breaking! She is overall doing well. I have been there and whether it be 4 years like mine, or 21 years like hers it is never easy. That is the only time in my life I truly felt like a failure. Chance is taking it pretty hard but he is strong and I know he will overcome. I pray so diligently for my sister. She is not the same since her breakdown. She is not as strong as she was. I am an advocate for her too, and I will fight to keep her strong..this too shall pass!
My Jackie O' will be here in a week and I cannot wait. I miss her so. I need her beside me. I am not whole without her. We plan on doing fun things while she is here. The girls are on fall break and we may take a min vacation, you know she spoils us like that! She is such a blessing to me and all of my friends are. They each and everyone mean so much!
I am going to visit my Poppy tomorrow, well today since it is 2am. I can't wait to see him. We are going out to eat and to the Antique Shops in Nolensville. That is our favorite place to go.
My brother is 42 today! He is a good brother. He has really helped Sha. He is a great husband and father. I am s proud he is mine. Happy Birthday Bo-Bo!

Polly Again!

2008-09-21T20:53:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been a rough few days around the Sellars home for me. Polly my alter ego has been here. As many of you know from previous blogs...She is EVIL!!!! Of course the girls were out of school on Thursday and we had no Aide for Sloan..(did I mention my back is aching?) Then on Saturday no Aide again! How did I do this for 9 years? I feel so damn old and broke down. Not to mention I even used to work 3-4 nights a week, 12 hour shifts at that! So Polly was bound to show up. I take a whole lot, a whole lot. When I break, look out. I have been evil, Jackie O' if it weren't for you I would be in the Parthenon. Today we had 2 Aides. What a relief. I Thank God for these ladies. Kudos to Lindsy, Jannie and new Mommy Amanda! Yes, Amanda delivered Asante Joseph on Friday. He is precious. Lindsy took the girls to the park and Myron treated us all to Chinese. A great time was had by all.
Good news..My sugar is doing great. I am on the new U-500 insulin and it is working so well. No sugars over 160 in 2 weeks. I have only crawled to the kitchen a few times in the middle of the night. I hope I can keep it under control. I hope my belly heals from all the bruising from my pump. Please continue to pray for me as I continue to strive to conquer this disease, I have let it control me for way too long.
I have subbed alot at Watauga and have really enjoyed it. I love kids and even my kids are not there, my friends kids are and it is such a joy to see them. My kids are adjusting much better to SMS. We went for parent /teacher conference on Thursday and I could not be prouder. All of the teacher's went on and on about what nice, polite, and intelligent girls I have. I am proud of them and feel very fortunate. I am not so sure they like me these days. I hated this age growing up. Ten to thirteen was awkward. I just want them to be grateful for what they have, and appreciate things.
I miss my Poppy lately. I haven't seen him in a few months and I miss him. I talk to him everyday, but it is not the same. I long for us to do things together and spend quality time together. Life just never goes the way I plan sometimes. He is my HERO and he knows how much I love him. Chance called this week. He is doing great in school. Now that is a boy I love.
He cheers me up. He is like a breathe of fresh air.
I have realized lately that I spend way too much time worrying over the wrong things. I need to be more focused on myself and family. I tend to worry about everyone except myself....who worries about me??? Not even half of the ones I worry about I promise you. I talked to an old friend this last week. We at one time were related by marriage. I called to tell her happy Birthday. She called me back, and we chatted for awhile and she began to sob....she said Holly I owe you the biggest apology ever. I said why? She said you have never once forgotten my B-day in 25 years. You have been the best friend I could ever ask for, and I have not done the same in return. I began to sob myself. If it is anything that I have learned over the years, it is that if I give you my friendship, I give it 100% and unconditionally.

I am oh so sweet, just call me the Insulin Junkie!

2008-09-04T19:06:00.000-07:00

Well, here we go again. For all my medical friends who stay so interested in me....Hemoglobin A1C 15.3. Shouldn't I be dead or something? It is worse than ever. When I feel my best, my sugar is worst?? Neuropathy bad,bad,bad. Nots so much hands as the feet. Pump is giving me about 180-220 units of Humalog a day. Cutting sugar out all together. Only tried this once, but it did work. (Remember sugar of 16 and falling in shower pregnant??) So either I am going to be too high or too low. They saw low is better. I am being optimistic. I have to do this.

My girls are now 11 years old. I cannot believe it. I love being a Mother. It is never easy, but always breathtaking. I never dreamed my tiny, tiny, babies would be bigger than me. They are so very beautiful and intelligent. I am so blessed. There is so many things that stick in my mind about that special day, I could list them forever. 1.Myron ran out of gas on the way to the hospital. (My Daddy did the same with me except my Mommy was with him and Grandaddy came and got her and left my Daddy) 2.My husband of color was white by the time the CRNA got my epidural placed. The best summary my dearest friend Jackie O gave me in a special message for my girls. She told them all the wonderful things about my pregnancy and working for my OB doctor, and the many pictures posted in my office of ultrasounds, everyone around was delighted. She told them what a blessing they were to everyone and how many prayers were said for them and me. It truly was the best day of my life and I cry when I think of how special it was. My boss laid her hands on my belly and said the most beautiful prayer in the world...Shayla had been sluggish all day and Sloan had not moved at all, but as she prayed I could feel them both kicking at the same time. Sorry, the best part was she told them to Thank me for having them and giving them life! I thank everyone for that day and times. I mainly Thank God for the Doctors and Nurses that I later came to work so closely with and I admire them one and all.

School is going good. We are having a Spa Sleepover for the Birthday and all their friends are coming over tomorrow night. I am as excited as they are. On Sunday we are having a cookout for the girls, Nini, and Nana. Wish me luck!

Lordy,Lordy Myron is 40!!!

2008-08-18T05:00:00.000-07:00

My husband is 40 now! Wow, I used to think that was so old. I am so grateful for him. I wish he would not stress so much! I wish for him another year of happiness. He is my heart!

Life Layout!

2008-08-09T19:53:00.000-07:00

So where do I start? Summer is coming to a close and school has started. Friday the girls started at Springfield Middle. They had a good day. Leaving them was like Kindergarden all over again. I can't believe ...Middle School. Sloan loves her aide and the CDC class she will be in part of the time. Shayla has 5 classes and was a bit overwhelmed but made it thru. It surely is different than Watauga. The diversity of course, the amount of students, and the size of the school. They get to experience riding a bus. GREAT! Not excited about it, but without a handicap accesible vehicle what do you do? I just pray it will all work out. I will of course put on my coat of armour and fight for whatever I need to, I am used to that!

Financially, we are still struggling. I love our house, but it is expensive! Groceries and gas alone are killing everyone. I have been working on Mondays for my Aunt Mimi doing bookeeping. The pay is not bad and it is fun. I have decided to get a part time job. I don't want to substitute teach because they changed the pay scale and it is only $58 a day. NOT WORTH IT! I have applied for several things in Healthcare. I just want peace of mind again.

We have a new family member. Presley the King. A tiny champagne poodle. He is precious. Still needs to learn some manners. He thinks Myron is an intruder. The girls love him. He especially loves Shayla. She needs that right now.

My Jackie O' is in Williamsburg, VA. I went to Denver and made the drive to TN with her. It was so fun. We stayed in Denver and Kansas City. Lots of shopping, expensive eating, and Room Service. She spoils me so well. I am so glad she is close. We plan to go visit in October for Fall Break.

My Mom has been sick. In the hospital with Chest Pain and Shortness if Breath. Unsure at this point what it is. I honestly thinks she does not like living alone. She has been with us for 6 years now, and adjusting to being by yourself at her age I am sure is hard.

A Love Like No Other

2008-06-15T01:41:00.000-07:00

To me this is the most beautiful picture in the world! This is my heart. She smiles no matter what. I wanted to post a few things about Sloan for everyone. We are so excited about her benefit. It is less than a week away. I am so very fortunate to have great friends that are putting this together for us. We are praying for enough money to put a lift on my van to transport her in her power chair. She is growing by leaps and bounds and I can barely get her in the van. It takes 2 people to do so. I just want her to be able to go everywhere I go. She has only been to the grocery store twice in the last few years. I can never just run in somewhere. I am by no means complaining, just stating the facts. She loves going out to eat, but it is so hard to go anywhere. This lift will just make it so much easier.

I have copied Sloan's Bio here for everyone to read:

My name is Sloan Sellars. I am 10 years old and I am a twin. I go to Watauga Elementary School, and I am in the 5th grade. My Sister “Shayla” and I were born 9 weeks premature. I weighed 4.1 lbs. I stayed in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit for 4 weeks. I came home on an Apnea monitor, and was on it for 6 months. When I was nine months old, I was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. This is why I am writing this biography to tell you about me. I had my first surgery when I was 1 year old. My eyes crossed (Strabismus) and had to be straightened. I wore glasses for a few years, but now I am considered legally blind and they don’t help. I had back surgery (Dorsal Rhizotomy) when I was 3 years old to help with the spasticity and muscle spasms in my legs so I could maybe one day walk. It helped with the spasms, but I have never been able to walk on my own. I had another surgery (Bi-lateral Femoral Osteotmy) when I was 5 years old on my right hip and both legs. My hip would pop in and out of socket, and my femur bones were turned inward. The doctor did a de-rotation and turned them around. I was in a complete body cast for 12 weeks. I had another eye surgery when I was 8 years old to fix my eye muscles in my left eye. I also had my hardware from my hip surgery removed when I was 8. I attend therapy weekly at Vanderbilt Pediatric Rehab. I am very active and love playing on the computer and listening to music. I have a power wheelchair and am in it most of the time. My friends are trying to raise money so that we can have a lift put on my Mommy’s van to transport me in my chair. Thank You in advance for any assistance you can give us.

As you can tell, she has had a lot to face for a 10 year old, but let me tell you "She is a fighter!" She always has a positive attitude. She has a determination to succeed at whatever she does. There were days when I did not know if she would talk, she learned to sign. I don't know what the future holds for her just like any other parent. However, I do know she will give her ALL!

Neglect!

2008-06-02T00:25:00.000-07:00

What a word!!! No posts lately, as this has also fallen into the category of "Neglect" with all the other million things. Sloan was terribly ill this morning. I should have known when she told her Daddy last night "I don't feel like going to the movies" that something was up. She never turns down a movie, and never misses a chance to spend time with Daddy. She awoke at 5:00 throwing up. It is so hard for her. I am trying to get up from bed with her, turn her over on her side (she used to aspirate on liquids), and scream for Myron all at once. She threw up 3 times in an hour. She got 3 baths, and a morning in Holly J's Beauty Salon. She was so lethargic. I washed her hair, dried it, and straightened it. Yes, a 3 hour process. Gotta love a girl with lots of hair! Myron is so good with her. He has been home all weekend and we have enjoyed it so much. After all of this, I sat down with Shayla. I have been on the "Worst Mommy in the world" list with her. I never do or say the right thing these days. She is so mature, and helps me with Sloan so much I feel I neglect her. How am I supposed to balance it all? I have been praying diligently about this. I was the MIDDLE child and Lord knows I felt I never fit in. I have tried each day to set aside time for just her and I. My friends and I met this week to work on coordination of Sloan's Spaghetti Supper and Silent Auction. It is going well. Blue Cross denied our request for 12 hour shifts. This stinks! My health is still not great, and I really need help the majority of everyday. I will just continue on as we have in the past. I need to work on my sugar levels. I hate this disease. It controls me, and I should control it! I am making a committment to myself to take better care of myself. I have to. Neglect is not a word I want in my vocabulary.

Special Olympics for Special Girl

2008-05-05T00:51:00.000-07:00

Friday Sloan competed in Special Olympics for the third year. All together is was an okay day. She did not compete in the 10 meter run in her gait tranier. She got very upset and began to cry. Of course, having 5 people yelling and screaming at you, I guess I would have backed out too! She was afraid of the gun the man was using for start off. She began to cry and just fell apart. The wheelchair race was after that and after much encouragement she got it together and got in her chair to race. She took off with a flash. She went in and out of the cones like a champ. She only had 1 competitor and she blew her away. She smiled the whole way. The rain was off and on all morning. I took some of her friends and let me tell you I won't do that again. Six 5th graders, whew they blew me away with how they acted. They were very supportive of her. They just were not very tolerant of her teacher and aides. They did not feel Sloan was treated properly and let everyone know it. These ladies work with Sloan and these kids everyday, they have to push them or they would never accomplish anything. At first, I was upset but I then realized they do a good job overall. I depend on them everyday to care for her. It is so hard. How do you know the right things for your kids? This was not the best day, and not the worst, but it made me realize so much. The girls are going to Middle School. They are entering into a time in their life when everything is crucial to molding them into the people they will become. I want so much for them. It makes you question yourself as a parent. Am I doing the right things? I pray to GOD for stregnth and wisdom. I can only hope for the best!

Jigsaw Puzzle!

2008-04-06T05:30:00.000-07:00

OMG! Where do I start? I have so much to tell! The most important is my Health. I am having a stress test on my heart Tuesday. I am scared, but would not tell you if you asked. I am SUPERWOMAN you know. If you remember six months ago, the tremors I was having in my hands and feet that keep me from walking independently? Well, undoubtedly they effect my entire body....including the old HEART. My EKG was abnormal not once, twice, but 3 times in a row! During my Physical last Thursday, I was strapped down to the table on my second EKG and then for the 3rd one my wonderful Doctor (Marilynn Michaud) of 14 years comes in the room (I was freaking out by now) and holds my hand, rubs my head, and tries to calm me and tell me they all 3 are abnormal with a huge line running thru them. They say I have heart tremors.
Of course as Rachel pointed out it is a muscle and all the other ones in my body tremor why wouldn't it? I hope it is nothing, but you never hear my say I am scared but I am.

The next piece of the puzzle is.... we moved. We are now renting a beautiful home in Springfield. It is so handicap friendly. Rachel's mom Ellen helped us on this one. She normally deletes her emails on rental properties, but she told Rachel about it. We didn't originally jump on it because it was way too high on the budget I was given. Well, after looking at everything in Greenbrier from 600.00-800.00 that was CRAP! I new I had to find something. Rachel and I searched and searched. She called her mom and got the address. As we approached the house we immediately liked it. Nice brick, acre lot, fenced backyard, huge living room. It is awesome. I love it. The owner's are so nice. They built a ramp for Sloan at the front door. The only problem...I have to transport the girls to Watauga for now. My back is in desperate need of a massage. Rachel usually helps me. Shayla is the best helper. I am so grateful for that child! I need a ramp or lift for my van, but just cannot afford it.

The next piece of the puzzle....Mom is moving to the Springfield Arbors and she is on a waiting list so she is still with us. It is hard at times. Before she was in her own dwelling downstairs. Now she is in my business constantly. I love her dearly, but I will be at peace when she is 5 miles away. The funny thing is..we have never lived more than 5 miles apart. In Goodlettsvile she was 3.7 miles from her Condo to our house. Alvin and Shelby love their apartment. They are a few blocks away. It is a good thing.

The next piece....The end of the school year is coming which means I.E.P. (Monday) and MIDDLE SCHOOL. We are now zoned for Springfield and the girls and Shelby want to go to Greenbrier Middle. Sloan's Resource Teacher is giving me mixed signals on what to do. Supposedly the Principal at Greenbrier is a stickler for out of zone kids. I don't know if me subbing at Watauga will help or not. Rachel and I are going to visit Springfield this week and check it out.

I pray for God's will to be done. Rachel and I met a lady this week who was so amazing. She came to my Yard Sale and lifted our spirits. She spoke to us on how powerful GOD really is. I forget this at times. Rachel, I couldn't had made it without you this week. You are my Rock. You have been my medicine. Like my new favorite song by Usher..I needed every dose of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. There is so much more..I just don't want to talk about, but keep me in your prayers.

I can't believe he is 20!

2008-03-09T01:13:00.000-08:00

I can't believe my Firstborn is 20! Jacob Chance my most precious baby is 20 years old today! 20 years ago today, I truly felt like I became a mother. My little sister who was 17 at the time had just given birth to the most precious angel. When I held him for the first time I got this wonderful feeling like nothing I have ever felt before. It makes me cry everytime I think of it! He was 7lbs. 9ozs. 20" long. He was gorgeous. From the very beginning we had a bond like no other. I saw him everyday. He was my LIFE! Everywhere I went he went. Yes, this included dates. My first husband was ohh so jealous! In his fits of rage he always said," all I cared about was Chance". He was so right! He was the best baby. Never cried, always happy. A comedian he was. Stealing cigarettes out of the ashtray poking (as he called it) behind his Daddy's recliner. On a certain holiday he played a tampon for a trumpet. Hilarious he was! They moved to the sticks of Pleasant View when he was 4 and this was hard. He was no longer that close. So many a night I packed up and spent the night with him. He loved this. He loved Power Rangers and Batman. You could always find him dressed up as one. My favorite memories are of George, his imaginary friend who went everywhere with us. We always has to buckle him up im the car,or put him the highchair at the restaurants. He loved his My Buddy Doll I got him. He was so smart he learned so well. He always did great in school. He is now a Sophomore at MTSU and has a 3.8 average studying Criminal Law. He will one day own the family's Bonding Company. He is such a brilliant young man. Handsome OMG, the girls love him. I am still in awe that he is mine. I love him more with each passing day. It is amazing that he is such a great kid. He has faced his hardships. He has been to Rehab for alcohol, and he has done things I never thought he would do. Does that mean you stop loving someone? No way, you just encourage them and guide them the best way you know how. I talk to him often and I tell him how much he means to me. I tell him how proud I am. He is my Heart and nothing can change that. Life is hard and at 20 it is not easy. There are things I wish I could go back and change, but you can't. I just pray for my angel. I pray God will guide him and give him the strength not to give in to temptation and drink. I am thankful for my sister who sacrificed her life for him. She has been an excellent mother and I love her so. Happy Birthday Chance, I love you unconditionally!

Life is what you make it!

2008-02-06T21:59:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day overall! It started rough, but ended good. I forget all I have to be Thankful for sometimes, and GOD please help me remember My life is not all bad. I tend to have too many pitty parties lately. I have a wondeful friend and I love her dearly. She makes me smile. She helps me put it into perspective and see things in a different light. Thank You for her. Thank you for all she is to me and her prescense in my life. She is my Rock lately and I couldn't make it without her. Life is what you make it and I do pretty good. I forget that at times. I have so much and I owe it all to you Lord and I Thank You!

Polly

2008-02-01T22:00:00.000-08:00

As you can tell by my last few posts, I AM STRESSED! In fact, today my alter ego Polly took over my body. (I get to blame all the bad stuff on her.) Listen closely..you will not hear this often....."I was a bad friend!" OMG, did you hear that. Yes, friends no one is perfect not even me. I acted stupid, and childish. Why do we hurt the ones we love the most sometimes? That damn Polly. I cherish my friends. If you are one of the lucky ones I call friend, you know I love unconditionally. I don't expect in return. I accept you for you. Oh, if I could rewind the last few weeks I would. I have made some mistakes. Mainly with the words I chose, but none the less I am sorry for hurting anyone at anytime. Please accept my apologies.

Cherish each Day

2008-01-28T21:06:00.000-08:00

It has been a ruff few days. I have been really sick again. I have not always taken the best care of myself. I have always focused on others. My sugars are off the roof. My blood pressure is at the point of a stroke, and I have got to get control. I have had time to think about this while I was down and out and I realized, I need to be my #1. I had a great friend lose a 34 year old sister who was totally healthy died in her sleep and never woke up. She left a loving husband and 3 small children. It mad me remember just 3 years ago the same thing happened to my sister in law's sister, 34 with 3 kids totally healthy died in her sleep. This could be any of us. So I challenge each of you to take better care of yourself. If you talk to me, ask me what was your last blood sugar? Do you have your pump on? It won't make me mad. I have great friends are you are who keep me alive. I have 3 beautiful girls who need me, and 4 other adults who could not run this house without me. HA!HA!HA! Cherish each day it could be your last!

The Best is not always Best

2008-01-17T00:23:00.000-08:00

After being really sick for 3 days, I tried to get it all together and start off the day. Of course, the usual with getting the kids across the street to school etc... I could not decide what to do first. 1. Clean the kitchen, the bedroom, or do laundry. While contemplating the phone began to ring. One call after another and another. I love to talk on the phone, but when I don't I don't. Having a physically challenged child is hard work. One call was for diapers, the other about her new hospital bed that quit working after 2 days, the other about her crappy wheelchair that was $23,000 and is useless. This took 3 hours. I was disgusted. I always say, I will do whatever it takes for her to have the best of what she needs. Well, you would think she has the best and it is a pain. So from now on I am rephrasing that. I am learning a lot these days about doing things different and taking different approaches. Maybe it is the age? Who knows? So friends help me in this adventure. I need to open all doors and look at all options before I look at what I think is best, because I can be wrong sometimes...

My three girls!

2008-01-03T18:11:00.000-08:00

I am exhausted. My day started with taking the Warden to get her RX and the store. Major disaster. She can never do anything on her own..I did end up having a good day with the girls. I am absolutely amazed by those 3! We do not go to the mall often, however they had Limited Too gift cards to spend. It was a great trip. Sloan only got upset one time, by something in the Disney Store the snake from Aladdin or something. They spent their money on all Hannah Montana goodies and High School Musical. They are ooh so happy because I got them cell phones. Shelby one for herself, and Sloan and Shayla one to share. Of course the Warden is mad about it. WHO CARES! They have not put the things down in 3 hours. They will be busy til school starts back on Monday! Here lately at the end of each day, I have asked myself why I do what I do?? I take care of everyone and do everything for them..what is wrong with this picture?? I do what I do because of who I am. I was born to care for others and I just naturally do it. I have to learn that I cannot fix the world. I just wish I got in return what I give sometimes. Not from my kids or friends..MY FAMILY!! Everyone relies on me. I love spending time with my girls. Sloan is absolutely hilarious these days. Shayla can sing so good. I love to hear her voice. Shelby just needs a Mother and it just happens to be I am the closet thing she has. They make me proud. I want them to know how much they mean to me.